in this manner

i love you the hard way, the way that clings stubbornly to what isn't there -
jagged fingernails biting into soft earth and i'm dangling over cliffside,
fighting a freefall. right? that's the way i love you. the hard way, like
giving birth - hours on end of pain and pain and pain, needles, antiseptic
latex hands, spread wide and i'm bloody and aching and vulnerable. you
see how i love you? faking it 'till i make it, deluding myself into believing one
lie by telling myself it's the truth - shiny veneer stretched over a cracked surface
and i'm nothing like an angel, nothing like a sweetheart, not if being an angel means
never wanting to taste you on my tongue, not if being a sweetheart means never wanting
to kiss you unconscious. it's the hard way. and you'd like it. if i loved you hard, body crashing
into body, heated words, a rushed litany of every dark, dirty, needy desire - it's a craving for
pain and power and control and i'd be on my knees steady and unwavering. the hard way i love you is all about wishing long past sunrise and lighting candles long after the magic's gone -
hold me tight when it means nothing - i'm smiling like i know it but on the inside, deep
deep inside, i still love you like a disease that doesn't ever die and it's a hard way to live.

she of the unhappy endings

abandon all i've ever known on a whim,
on a chance, taking a risk on you, there,
standing against the horizon, outshining even
the swollen sun and powerful as the
breaking waves.

sip potions made from extract of
heartbreak, one shot, three days and
if i fail at this there is nothing to go back to,
home is a fading memory, you are
family now.

sacrifices made, i'm losing my self,
losing my voice, ripped apart from root to
tip and your smile is all the balm i get
to slow the pouring of salt into these
human wounds.

worth it, god you are worth it,
sweeping me away with kind words
and gentle touches, the love you feel
for me waxing like the belly of the moon,
drawing close.

lightning strikes hard and fast in
the shape of her curves and the softness
of her hands and she is your princess,
your priestess, the one who has
your heart.

as the sun sets on the beginning
of your happily ever after, the clouds
come calling and there is nothing left
for me to see or do or be.
i lost -

and cry myself quietly to foam.

one step forward, two steps back

heels click off linoleum and i have a destination -
going somewhere, trying to get to someplace.

you're two feet in front of me, the back of your neck
pale and perfect, teasing and taunting me.

you take one step - i take two - i make no progress.

the overhead lights are harsh, do you no justice,
but i think you're beautiful.

there's a smudge on your shoulder, dark brown,
imprint of my foundation, my blush, my mask.

it's the closest to claiming you as mine that i will ever get - i could call that progress.

i still feel warm from when you hugged me from behind in
front of my friends, embarrassed by the look on my face after.

i still feel tingles from when we held each other close and
spun in a circle and your thigh nudged its way between my legs.

i breathed you in - you breathed me out - i made no progress.

my heart's in my eyes when i watch you because i know
you won't see it there but i'm scared.

i'm scared because my heart isn't just in my eyes, it's in my hands
and my feet and my lips and my soul.

you stole my heart and in doing so took all of me.

but you don't know it, don't want it, don't see me that way.
i fall harder - you feel nothing - i've made no progress.