dear so-and-so

just wanted to write and let you know how much i hate your smile and the way you move your hips when you think you're being funny and the stupid way your face twists when you're telling silly jokes. i hate the width of your hands and the pads of your fingers and the way they feel when you hold me close. i can't stand the way you sigh when you hug me or the way your eyes linger sometimes because i know it's all in my head. there's the way you look in your police man's hat, playing pretend, and the sound of your voice when you sing. you laugh too loudly and you smoke too often and i hate every second of it but

mostly i love it all a little too much and there's no one to blame but myself. you're the cartoon-watching-marijuana-smoking-life-loving-door-holding-sweet-smelling boy of my dreams and i'd take you home with me but you don't want to come, so i leave you at the door. you're the baggage i can't haul on stage, the dark thought at the back of my mind.

you make me as happy as you make me sad and i think i could fall in love with you but i need to land out so

i lie and say i hate you instead.

please don't take it personally, but you'd hate the way i look at you if you knew i was fibbing when i said let's just be friends.

better this way, i promise,
me

p.s. never stop - i almost like the way it hurts because at least it's something and that fills the voids left behind by hands less gentle than yours.